Every breath

My mom, Marmie, fought pancreatic cancer for 7 years. This is almost unheard of with pancreatic cancer. Most people die within weeks to a few months of diagnosis as this type of cancer is well advanced before symptoms typically appear. By God’s grace, we did not have to say goodbye to Marmie as abruptly as the statistical average.

Medically speaking, the seven years can only be described as a fight. Fighting the cancer. Fighting the side effects of treatment. Fighting our fears. Fighting to trust God and surrender our will.

Her cancer treatments included multiple rounds of chemo, radiation twice, and an extensive surgery. The surgical procedure she required is called a “Whipple” or pancreaticoduodenectomy. To simplify, they removed her pancreas, part of her small intestines, all of the bile duct they could and rerouted this back together. In Marmie’s case, they also had to remove her spleen. Lymph nodes in the area are removed as well. As you would expect, there were several changes to her daily life with this “rerouting”. Most notably, without a pancreas, she was now a Pancreoprivic Diabetic.

Prior to her cancer diagnosis, Marmie had been a Type 2 Diabetic, meaning her tissues were resistant to taking sugar out of her blood stream. (Again, keeping things simplified.) Because of this, the new diagnosis of Pancreoprivic Diabetes was much more complex. It was a constant struggle to keep her blood sugars well controlled. Managing her blood sugars was the most difficult part of the seven years.

There were many near misses and scary episodes. One of the most significant I share here.

This episode occurred the Sunday night before Thanksgiving two years ago. At some point during the night, my dad was awakened by Marmie violently moving in the bed. He immediately began to address her blood sugar. When she did not improve, he attempted to reach me on my phone. Unable to reach me, he called my husband, daughter, and son – all twice. After 8 failed attempts to reach us, he called 911. On his last attempt to call my husband’s phone, I heard the ring, three rings actually. It took all three for me to register what was happening. I bolted out of the bed and ran to their house.  I spent the next few minutes holding her airway open and applying painful stimuli to her chest praying she would not die in my arms while waiting on EMS.

Once she was stable and back home, my husband, parents and I began discussing the night. My husband said, “I am so sorry. I forgot to take my phone off silent from church.” As I was processing this statement I asked, “do you remember taking your phone off silent Monday morning?”. His answer, “yes”. I want to tell you, the Lord woke me up with three audible rings. I HEARD the phone ring three times. I felt the Lord so strongly impressing upon me through this this experience, “I am sovereign. I have her every breath. When she is with me, it will be my intended time”.

In his kindness, God used the ringing “silent” phone to provide a deeper awareness of his sovereignty over all things.  He was lovingly preparing me to say goodbye with the confidence and assurance only he can provide. What’s more, he was reinforcing his trustworthiness in every area of my life.

I regret he needs to demonstrate his trustworthiness. Jesus’s death on the cross in my place should be demonstration enough. But God! As our loving Father, he understands our fallen nature and is faithful and patient with us in all things.

We can be confident he has our every breath. He has every breath of those we love. He knows our every need. His timing is perfect. He is faithful and true. He is merciful, compassionate, and tender. He meets us where with are with open arms. He will keep his promises and he is near.  

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5